James C. Chavez

Master CNI, Master CNE, MCSE, MCT, CIP, CIA, CIM

I am a dynamic figure, often seen leaping off tall buildings with a single bound. I have been known to be faster than a speeding bullet (you would too if they were shot at you!), I am not as mighty as a locomotive. I translate in two languages - English and Greek (if it's not english, it's all greek to me), I write non-award-winning poetry. I have a watch and can tell time. Occasionally, I tread water in my bathtub.

I once wooed a woman but gave up after she threw cold water on me, I can pilot bicycles as long as they are equipped with training wheels, and I can cook a pan of boiling water in twenty minutes (give or take). I am an expert in all things, a veteran in love, and I am wanted in over 30 countries.

Using only a hanger and a dish cloth, I once single-handedly defended myself from a vicious attack by furious gnats. I learned to play the playing-piano, I was scouted by the Utah Jazz. I am the subject of numerous nightmares (all my own). When I'm bored or boring, I sleep on the floor. I enjoy hanging out at the park. Every day, after class, I repair everything I broke free of charge.

I am an legend in my own mind, an analyst sees me everyday, and I am in over my head to a bookie. Critics worldwide ignore me, news anchors avoid me, even my own dog tried to bury me in the backyard. I perspire in great quantities. I am a private person, yet I receive hate mail. I have been a caller to numerous radio talk shows and have never won any prizes. Last winter I took a bus trip and got lost after traveling only 5 miles from home. I once was told I had great potential as an organ donor. Women consider me a brother, mothers like me, fathers don't, children trust me.

I can hurl with the best of them, even when I'm not sick. I once read a milk carton, the back of a cereal box, and the table of contents on a can of soda in one day and still had time to bathe for the day. I know the exact location of every box of Oreos in the supermarket. I have worked for the CIA, the FBI, and the IRS all at the same time and spied on each of them for the others. I sleep once a hour; and when I do sleep, I sleep in a hammock. While on vacation I bought a new pair of sneakers. The laws of common sense do not apply to me.

I dance and weave, I jump up and down, I look just like the crazy man in your town, and I pay all my bills at the end of each month. On weekends, I watch cartoons and munch on popcorn all day long. Years ago I discovered why I was born and swore to never tell anyone why. I claim a toaster oven as my only living relative. I have seen cliff-diving competitions on TV, and tuned into a neighbors HAM radio broadcast. I have performed Macbeth in the park, I have belly-danced in front of a mirror. I have lost my mind more often than I can find it.